Over the next few weeks, our day-to-day life fell back into its usual routine. 'But now, apart from occasional visits to stay with my paternal grandmother in Birmingham (my maternal grandmother died not long after Mum left) it was just the three of us.' In spite of everything, I felt he still loved her. My father was a different man after our mother left. Only now can I see how heartbreaking this was. I developed a habit of whispering "Never mind" to myself, and even stroking my own hair until I fell asleep. 'Dad would just answer: "Soon" and look away. 'Each night, after Dad had read us a bedtime story, my brother would ask: "When is Mum coming?" I felt very protective of him, and also grateful.
He made it all sound so reasonable, as if Mum leaving was just something we all had to adjust to. My father never said a word against our mother - not then or at any other time. In the meantime, we were to be good and help out as much as we could. Mum would come and see us, Dad promised, as he swept his hand through his greying hair, but he wasn’t sure when.
This was why we couldn’t go and live with her. He was wealthy, but didn’t have children - or want them. This man had also left his wife to be with Mum. The next morning, Dad sat in his familiar old navy jumper and told us matter-of-factly that our mother had met a man she loved more than him. And the only way I seemed to be able to cope with the trauma of her disappearing was to tough it out and prove to my father that I wasn’t going to let him down.įrom that moment I decided to become the wife figure to my father, and mother to my brother, a role I did not question for many years to come. She was always more conscious of not having a hair out of place than showering us with hugs and kisses. No, she was never demonstrative in the way of other mothers. ‘Are you all right?’ I asked.Ībandoned: Verity aged six with her brother Tom So I summoned up the strength to tell my father not to worry. I gasped and looked over at my brother, who was pale and wide-eyed.Įven at that young age, I had an overwhelming sense that from this moment on, I needed to be the strong one. Incredibly, although I remember very little of family life before Mum left, 30 years on I can still recall every tiny detail of that dreadful day. He didn’t say why Mum had gone, but I knew that she wasn’t just shopping. I may have been only six years old, but his words are still printed indelibly on my mind. Suddenly, Dad leaned across the kitchen table and said: ‘OK, there’s going to be a change around here. Often I’d drift to sleep at night to the low hum of bickering voices downstairs.īut today was going to be a day like no other. We’d been living under a storm cloud of tension in our house for more than a year. Our mother had gone out shopping that morning and it wasn’t unusual for her not to be back for teatime - not those days anyway. We trooped obediently into the kitchen, sitting down at our usual places. Aged six, I was playing with my brother Tom, seven, in the garden of our three-bedroom Hertfordshire home when our father appeared. I'm gay." If your mom needs to process the news, give her some time and follow up with her later.Estranged: But Verity is now a successful businesswomanĮvery detail of that afternoon, a bright, sunny Saturday in 1981, remains etched in my memory. You can say something as simple as, "Mom I have something I want to talk to you about. Then, speak from the heart about everything you’ve been feeling. Once you’ve planned what you want to say, arrange a time when you can talk to your mom in a calm, quiet spot where you won’t be interrupted.
You might want to include things like when you learned you were gay, what it’s been like for you, and what your hopes are for the future. Once you're sure it's safe, write down everything you want to say so you can refer to it if you get nervous. Before you make the decision to tell your mom, make sure you're not risking your safety and that you have a place to stay if you get kicked out of the house. Telling your mom that you’re gay can be nerve-wracking, but with a plan and a little bravery, you can get it off your chest.